The Peanut Gallery

Monday, June 22, 2009

Bitter Sweet

Monday, June 22, 2009
So this weekend was extremely busy. The three of us were constantly on the go, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Saturday the three of us went to a funeral for a friend of Brian's. Yes I brought Kennedy - I had no choice, there was nobody I could leave her with, but happy to say Kennedy was on her best behavior. Not a peep out of her the entire service!

To me this funeral was bitter sweet. To tell you the truth, the next funeral I thought I would be attending was the one for my precious Kennedy! Furthermore, I feel that this road life has brought me down has made me a bitter soul at times - which I hope is just a temporary emotion. It was hard for me to sit at that funeral and look around at all those crying people and feel sorrow or empathy. Globally, I was sad for their lose, but I could not help but feel like the pain I feel inside is so much worse - the road my family and I are traveling on trumps everything. It is hard to mourn, feel sadness, exercise empathy, or show compassion to others in these times when it feels like you are still mourning and feeling sadness for yourself (sorry for the pity party).

Moreover, Kennedy's great great grandma (Nana) passed away last Wednesday and again the sadness I felt was minimal. Am I cold hearted? It is hard to morn the loss of someone who has actually lived life. Both people were able to walk, talk, ride a bike, experience a first kiss, graduate high school, fall in love, get married and start families. It is moments like these that I would give my own life in order for Kennedy to experience. I hate that I feel this way, but I don't know how to get around it. I just don't feel sadness for other people right now - I guess I just feel like what I am going through is worse then anybody else (pathetic, I know).

Please do not judge me to critically - trust me I am a fun loving, loud, sometimes obnoxious, sweet, caring, give the shirt of my own back kind of person. I just need to learn how to overcome this sadness in my life. I know that my life has already changed, but I am most scared that his situation will change the person I am (the person that everyone loves). I am not looking for anyone to feel sad for me, because I KNOW that Brian and I were chosen for a reason to be Kennedy's parents and I would not have it any other way. Every day I discover or learn something new about myself, my relationship, my husband, my family, my friends, the medical field, and people in general that I would have never known if it was not for Kennedy.


Jennifer said...

You are entitled to feel that way because it sucks. All of those ranges of emotions will eventually allow you to heal. I am still not whole over my loss and find myself crying at the oddest moments. It all sucks, but that doesn't mean you can't be grateful and happy and ticked at the same time. And you are so right- you were chosen for Kennedy and she has made you a better person just because you know her! ((Hugs))